My new mask I got today

I never mentioned my love for masks. I have a collection of about 15-20 but they are all in storage about 4 hours away. I just bought this new one today for 15 dollars! I love it.

I've been thinking a lot about my quest for self-improvement lately and it's got me feelin' kinda strange. I don't really know how to describe it, but I guess it's been different than I expected. It's almost like I expected everyone to notice my changes like a new haircut or a nice new jacket or pair of shoes... but most people don't really notice new haircuts, or coats, or shoes.
I guess that is going to be one of my biggest lessons on this little journey of mine; Humility.
~
I said I wanted to change for selfless reasons, and not for recognition, yet it seems I've been going at this the wrong way all along. I've been sitting here expecting a pat on the back for my 'noble crusade' and wondrous efforts. That's a silly notion to begin with. Nobody really knows that I've been wanting to whine all day about how much my back hurts, or that I bit my tongue and held back my smart-ass comment when someone said something dense. To me the change is drastic and at times even overwhelmingly difficult, but to a mere passerby in the moments of my life they are simply subtle.
~
This is not for recognition or rewards. This is to be a better man. This is to be a better person. This is as real as it's been... This is as real as it gets I suppose.

Travelling down a lonesome road

Our restless minds yearn to be roused

Scratching at the bursting seams

Deeper and deeper for blind relief

-

And it's a strange time over here

Like a fallen elevator

A broken catastrophic memory

Sliding down past half mast

-

And way down here

When those days are gone

Things they seem to go so slow

I'm so sick I just lay in bed

-

I used to be a Paladin

When I was all you ever wanted

Without doubt there was no fear

I could be magnanimous

-

So if you want to go

Feel filled with a strange desire

But when the night gets dark

Just wait for me

-

The Great Journey from a Jackass to a Gentleman

I am disappointed with my actions over the past few years; my extreme procrastination and lack of resolve in following through with my sky-high plans. I have given up on more things in a year, than most people might think to do in a lifetime. I can't seem to commit to something for more than a few weeks at a time and it is infuriating. As a sidenote, I'm not saying any of this to whine, putting it down in writing forces me to truly recognize the character flaws of mine which have been acting as a ball and chain all my life.

-

There is a longing inside of me that has pushed me to the brink of insanity; a craving in my soul that itches at the seams... I want so badly to be something amazing and live a life that is noteworthy. What I wouldn't do to be remarkable. I wish I was a true gentleman, an outstanding citizen and a respectable, self-made man. I pray for the patience that is desired of me, along with that selflessness that allows truly great people to give all that they have for the sake of others.

-

I mistreated a vast majority of the people that I have known in my life, and I sincerely wish that I could find a way to apologize to all those I have hurt. It isn't a new revelation to me, the knowledge that I can truly be an overbearing asshole at times. The new revelation comes in the form of nostalgia; looking back through the years I now have the displeasure of reliving every instance where I knew what I was doing was wrong, and choosing to continue with that knowledge in mind. Truly this is the greatest shame I have felt, there was no ignorance in what I did.

-

I suppose you could say that I now stand at one of the many crossroads in life. One path is familiar, distinct lines of angst and despair run boldly through the center. It is accustomed to loneliness and is entirely unforgiving. On the other road is the selfless path of the gentleman I wish to become. It is lined with a change that I am uncertain of, and as I stand here staring I fear that I may become lost along the way. Yet, as I stare down the latter I sense it is filled with an imbibing sense of forgiveness; a willingness to accept the fact that I might fall down along the way. Though the road is hard, I know the journey is as necessary as it is difficult in order for me to truly become a happy person.

-

Now, I know that I am changing all the time and that maybe some of the decisions I make might not stick, but I really need to do this. I really need to learn what it is to be a truly great person. Not for fame or fortune or any sort of acknowledgment from others; simply for the peace of mind that I will receive in knowing that my life has meant something to someone other than myself. This is going to be my great journey from a Jackass to a Gentleman. Wish me luck!

Bold is the strength of a thousand soldiers
Infinite is the curse of a dying man
And terrible is the pain of a grieving Mother

Page by page we write this book
And word by word this pain does grow
Trapped in the lines by who we are

Forgetting what we had
We lose who we've become
And fall back to who we were

Needing to want
And wanting to feel
We grab on to whatever we can

And staring into the darkness
We try to take control
And make amends for what we've done

Until finally we realize
That the past cannot be undone
Only that it will not become our future

Forgive but don't forget
For forgiveness is forever
And forever will not be forgotten

Catastrophe is my middle name

And I offer no apologies

To this forsaken race

Of talking Orangutans

*

Spikey haired nincompoops

Riding in fast cars
with bodacious blondes

Tear down these walls

Inhale the mold of our millenia

*

Angst is a disease

And I am the cure

With banana gun in hand -

We are the fucking apocalypse!

Mother I'm calling

From a payphone down the way

Just needed to tell you I'm sorry

It's all I really want to say

-

Brother I'm wondering

If you'll ever be okay

Things have been so tough for us

Destiny has gone astray

-

Father I'm dying

And this pain won't go away

You ruined what we never had

With your lies of yesterday

-

With scorched Earth

And porcelain dreams

We send the lamb to the slaughter

A deafened childs screams

-

Floating on feather filled hypocracy

Cover your eyes to the darkness engulfing

Forget the word Bravery

This is all we'll ever need

-

A world full of betrayal

A heart full of lies

We let go of everything we've learned

And listen to what we're being taught

-

We've learned to be kind

We've learned to be strong

We've learned to be brave

And we've learned not to do wrong

-

Life has taught us to doubt

Life has taught us to lie

Life has taught us to hide

And life has taught us to cry.

-

'Misery loves company'

But I'll do this alone

A broken part inside of me

Will never remember peace.

-

--

---

----

-----

First poem in nearly a year

It's incomplete as of right now,

so hopefully I can figure more out

soon

My mind is racing. I am staring back at the past unwillingly and hoping to hell that I can stop myself before I start the dive; the rapid decent into the vast, dark, unknown caverns of my heart and soul. It's an ongoing battle. There is a peculiar little demon inside of me, clawing it's way to the surface of my skin.

I don't see this as going much of anywhere; nowhere that I haven't been before at least. Like a dog attached to a pole, running in tighter circles until I have no choice but to face the very thing around which I am circling. I feel there's too much slack at this point to tell for certain what I'm about to bash my head up against.

I have a feeling I'll see you there though. Standing there with that smug look upon your face. Content to watch as I pull myself closer towards eventual demise. Or will it be redemption? Stop thinking in absolutes; maybe it is both!

Maybe I'm not even circling... just standing in the middle of an empty field with my pants draped around my ankles. Staring up at the sky and all around hoping to see a glimmer of you there. Straining my eyes to see you standing on the horizon coming towards me, instead of away. Perhaps it's time to look for other options and hope for neither.

Scrutinize me if you will, I feel it would be justified. This entire ordeal has felt like a drop kick to my genitals from beginning to end. It's been a sickening experience to say the least. God, how I love it though. Everywhere I look I can see a memory or two. Through a booze stained vision I remember laughing there and crying here, making love under that, or yelling on top of this. The memories make me feel worse.

I can't change it though, I suppose. I tried to change it, that was rather foolish of me when you think of it. It has happened, and all we have left is today. No matter what happens all that really matters is this; here and now.

It still hurts though, but I'm beginning to think that is one of the most beautiful parts of life.

Tear down the Relic
Forget the ancient ways
A new age has come