I am disappointed with my actions over the past few years; my extreme procrastination and lack of resolve in following through with my sky-high plans. I have given up on more things in a year, than most people might think to do in a lifetime. I can't seem to commit to something for more than a few weeks at a time and it is infuriating. As a sidenote, I'm not saying any of this to whine, putting it down in writing forces me to truly recognize the character flaws of mine which have been acting as a ball and chain all my life.
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There is a longing inside of me that has pushed me to the brink of insanity; a craving in my soul that itches at the seams... I want so badly to be something amazing and live a life that is noteworthy. What I wouldn't do to be remarkable. I wish I was a true gentleman, an outstanding citizen and a respectable, self-made man. I pray for the patience that is desired of me, along with that selflessness that allows truly great people to give all that they have for the sake of others.
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I mistreated a vast majority of the people that I have known in my life, and I sincerely wish that I could find a way to apologize to all those I have hurt. It isn't a new revelation to me, the knowledge that I can truly be an overbearing asshole at times. The new revelation comes in the form of nostalgia; looking back through the years I now have the displeasure of reliving every instance where I knew what I was doing was wrong, and choosing to continue with that knowledge in mind. Truly this is the greatest shame I have felt, there was no ignorance in what I did.
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I suppose you could say that I now stand at one of the many crossroads in life. One path is familiar, distinct lines of angst and despair run boldly through the center. It is accustomed to loneliness and is entirely unforgiving. On the other road is the selfless path of the gentleman I wish to become. It is lined with a change that I am uncertain of, and as I stand here staring I fear that I may become lost along the way. Yet, as I stare down the latter I sense it is filled with an imbibing sense of forgiveness; a willingness to accept the fact that I might fall down along the way. Though the road is hard, I know the journey is as necessary as it is difficult in order for me to truly become a happy person.
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Now, I know that I am changing all the time and that maybe some of the decisions I make might not stick, but I really need to do this. I really need to learn what it is to be a truly great person. Not for fame or fortune or any sort of acknowledgment from others; simply for the peace of mind that I will receive in knowing that my life has meant something to someone other than myself. This is going to be my great journey from a Jackass to a Gentleman. Wish me luck!
