King of Fools

I once was a King!

A King among men!

The whole World was mine,

I'd conquered it all.

Chambers of Sapphire,

Throne rooms of Gold.

Glass' of crystal,

Cutlery of the finest silver!

Legions upon Legions

To do me my will.

The very stars

were at my fingertips.

When I reached for embrace

I found naught but

the wind in my grasp.

The finest treasures,

Grand Estates;

Ruled by the man

with an empty heart.

Void

of any sense of love.

I'd found all of the answers

to all of life's riddles.

It seemed to me then

I would not need love.

A heart made of coal,

To rule all the World.

I defeated all enemies,

Vanquished all foes.

As I traveled afar

To see what I would see

I tread where Angels

Would often not go!

But how foolish was I,

This King of cold-hearts?

To think I needed not love

Within my riches

of Silver,

of Gold.

A half-wit indeed.

I once was a fool!

A fool among men...

I've seen a thousand faces

Faked a thousand smiles

I've been around the world and back

Yet your face still haunts my dreams

The winds have whispered in my ear

They have told me a tale of sorrow

I've let the ground guide my feet

To take me places where angels would not dare

I now stand here alone

Among a crowd so full

My name has been forgotten

By those who said they knew

The tears I cried have been ignored

By those who said they care

My world has been turned upside down

The lies are blown askew

(Written roughly 2 years ago, slightly updated but not too much)

It's hard to come to the realization that one truly does not know anything when it really comes down to it. To understand, that in comparsion to the whole existance of man I am merely a speck of dust, is not an easy thing to do. It seems as though my life is entirely inconsequential. I am not saying this with any ties to pessimism, nor optimism. I suppose I am merely speaking on the premise of realism. I have absolutely no control over the world around me, and there is nothing I can do to change what happens on a global level. The world is based on fallacy. That is what we as humans run on. When there is a problem, we do what we can to fix it. However, it seems that everytime we fix one problem we create six more. In a sense we are parasites that are unaware of the havoc we have wrought upon the world. We create the very problems that we try so whole-heartedly to destroy. Even if I were to spend my whole life doing everything I could to "save the world" it wouldn't make a difference 100 years from now. I could make a fraction of the lives that are lived in pain and misery slightly less terrible, but the rest would still go on as they always have. The world we have created is based on the existance of a lower class. If the world were a perfect place what in god's name could possibly happen? Nothing! Take a serious look on how you live your life, and how the world around you works. If you honestly believe that it would work with the total peace that we strive for, please explain to me how.

My Sunrise

The Black night folds about me,
Enveloping the confines of my soul,
Binding my heart to the shadows.

In the silence, there is nothing,
Nothing but the sound of a heartbeat,
The solitude killing my insides.

But as I look upon the Heavens,
I see a glint of hope,
As my darkness begins to fade.

The shadows fall to a royal blue,
The darkness writhing from my mind,
As the skies are born again.

A sudden shot of scarlet,
Forged within obscurity,
Clears the lurid minds.

A gentle wind brings whispers,
And slides among the leaves,
A murmur of better days.

Angelic songs pierce the cold,
As the birds begin to wake,
The Guardians of dawn.

The sun's bright rays creep,
Upon my body laying in the filth,
Embracing what's left of misery.

Grasping hold to all I've ever known,

All I've ever known to hate,
As it is torn like my broken heart.

With the single blink of an eye,
What was dark, now is light,
Nothing what it was before.

And as you look upon me now,
You will see this rapid change,

The man I was, is not the man I am.

Behold, My Sunrise

(I wrote this roughly two years ago)

A Picture

I found a picture of you the other day. Folded away amongst forgotten memories, I looked down at you and to my surprise you were smiling. Your gaze didn't look to the camera, you didn't care that it was there. You were looking away and to the side, and you were smiling. You laughed that day. I looked at this picture and I wondered what it was. Now it seems so foreign. I remember when it was taken; I remember why you were smiling. I know that look you had in your eyes. It was for me. We were together and you were smiling. In that moment we were happy. A truly, undeniable, bottomless sense of irreplaceable joy surrounds this single memory. I would give up anything and everything for that moment one more time. The look in your eyes, the laugh on your lips, the love in your voice... I lost sight of that. I lost sight of just how amazing you are. In a moment I was torn from nothing to everything. I was and am filled with every possible emotion that my body and mind can handle. My heart beats to the point of bursting as I hold this forgotten image in my hand. The time is past, and that memory is simply that, a memory. I will always love you.

Moving backwards through space and time we can find ourselves making the same mistakes again and again. People don't change, only the circumstances in which ones personality can be expressed are altered. While we can learn to tone down, or over-emphasize certain aspects of our personality, that piece of who we are will always remain a part of us. We as humans represent a large, constantly moving and changing puzzle. The pieces always represent the same parts of who we are; only sometimes these pieces don't fit. So we change their size, we alter the shape around the edges so that they can fit in with the other pieces. Eventually the puzzle breaks and we are left scrambling to pick up the pieces. There are constant new pieces coming, and old pieces leaving. This causes an ever existing cyclical rotation of our pieces. It's true what people say, about how you can never change a person. You can't. One of two things can happen. Either you learn to live with what you consider to be a fallibility that they have or if the person cares about you they can trim the edges of their puzzle piece, change its size. The hardest part for me so far has been the realization that sometimes the pieces will never fit.

This evening I had a rather horrible experience with a somewhat vivacious yoga ball. My back has gone entirely out of the norm for me, and I have been experiencing quite a bit of pain. I decided that, instead of cracking it as I usually would, I'd stretch it by rolling over the pretty yoga ball backwards. Little did I know what grave danger I had put myself in. As I slid down on the ball, I slowly rolled myself backwards, watching the room roll past me. My foot slipped and I lost control. I slid quickly along the not so safe side of the ball, attempted to catch my balance, and then tumbled magnificently into the low laying window sill. Needless to say my tailbone is not in the greatest of shape at this point in time. I could have sprawled out upon the floor and thrashed out at this unknowing ball, or I could have gotten up and tried my best to shake it off. Too my own surprise I chose the latter.
Now I realize that this post does not neccesarily fit into my regular style of writing, however I did find within this moment of time a very profound lesson.
Life is not predictable. It cannot be pretold, nor given heed to through prophecy. I fell on my ass to realize just how truly frail we humans are. The slightest jarring of regularity can cause the greatest of discomfort and abnormality. Now this instance of seeming hilarity can be viewed with a good sense of humour, or it can be viewed in a seemingly more philisophical manner. Take my experience and place it on the larger scale of life. Sometimes we are thrown a curve ball that we never saw coming. It can blow us away and leave us shaking our heads in wonder. Do we let ourselves lay in the dust, or do we get up and wipe ourselves off? Do we sit around and point the finger of blame, or do we get up and realize that "Shit happens". I personally have learned to respect the yoga ball, instead of disbanding it across the length of six football fields. I realize that I am not a coordinated master of the "ball" arts, and that I should take heed when next I should attempt to demonstrate my skills or lack thereof upon the ball.
Basically, don't dwell on the things that don't make a difference. Realize that life is short, and the only way to truly live it is to learn from what you have experienced. Feel what you are meant to feel, but do not take it any further than that. Live and let live as I believe the saying goes.

An empty piece of paper is laying out before me. I don't know what to write. I have no words to say. There is nothing in this vocabulary, nothing in this language that can express what I am feeling. I stare down at the empty spaces between the lines and imagine what to place in between. What can I say that will come to any importance, now or in the future. Am I dead? Am I alive? Is this what life is meant to be? Happiness or misery; A thin line seperates the two. Hopelessly reaching for something out of my reach. Helplessly searching in shadows that are not my own. Breaking down at every turn, on the edge of insanity. I cry out in silence, and nobody listens. I feel as though I'm covering their ears. I want to be noticed but I won't let anyone hear me. I strive to have that connection, that relationship where nothing matters only the fact that you are there. Yet I am pushing anyone and everything away. How can I tell you my thoughts when I don't know myself? Lost and confused I see the wrong things, I remember the wrong moments. I can no longer cry. I want to. I want to remember, I want to feel this. I want to go through the pain that I so rightfully deserve.

-------------

Staring down at this empty piece of paper, I lift my pen up to the line. Inefficacious is the only word that comes to mind.

Sinking into the abyss
Searching in the shadows
Voices turn on me
Pain inside grows

Forget the things you know
Feel the ones you don't

Twist the knife

Turn the hook

Force yourself to look

Gaze into the eyes of a demon

Refuse to let go

It's not there to hold

Falling through blackness

I turn to see myself

I am everything

I am nothing

I may not be old, but I am old enough to know a few things. I've grown to realize that the older we get, the harder things seem to be. Unexpected complications are added to the once simple equation. I don't remember my first steps, but I can imagine that when I took them I must have felt like the world was now mine. I had conquered that which had never been conquered before. I had become mobile. The smallest thing which I now take for granted was the most spectacular discovery of the time. The world was mine. Or so it seemed. As I crept up the ladder of time, new areas of life opened for exploration. Speech, for instance, seems to be the gift that I choose to take advantage of on a regular basis. Thought... I think, therefore I am. The little steps that slowly build up to create the person I will one day become. Every minute a child takes its first steps somewhere in the world. Breathes its first breath, speaks its first word. It was all so calm and simple then. Life had a true and certain meaning. An uninhibited freedom in which one could choose to express ones self in whatever way the young mind might grasp.
I watched as a young boy stumbled about a coffee shop yesterday. His steps were cautious and calculated. He was performing a daring feat of stupendous courage as he braved the great expanse of open floor. It didn't matter if he fell. He got right back up and he kept going. As I sat there watching this toddlers strange step, I realized just how much I missed it. Childhood. The lack of understanding, and the curiosity to know for yourself what was behind it all. Listening to his careless laugh I knew how much life would change for him one day. Some day he might go to school, he might learn a thing or two. He could meet friends and lose friends. He may fall in love, and be loved. Die of a broken heart, only to live again to break one himself. That child had a full life of mystery laying out on the road ahead of him and there is no way that I could possibly know what it would bring him. In that moment I realized just how alone I truly was. We all drift through life, never knowing for certain what might come and go. We gain whatever knowledge we choose to, and hold on to what we believe is important. I suppose the scary part of growing up, is realizing that 1+1 does not neccesarily equal 2.