My mind is racing. I am staring back at the past unwillingly and hoping to hell that I can stop myself before I start the dive; the rapid decent into the vast, dark, unknown caverns of my heart and soul. It's an ongoing battle. There is a peculiar little demon inside of me, clawing it's way to the surface of my skin.

I don't see this as going much of anywhere; nowhere that I haven't been before at least. Like a dog attached to a pole, running in tighter circles until I have no choice but to face the very thing around which I am circling. I feel there's too much slack at this point to tell for certain what I'm about to bash my head up against.

I have a feeling I'll see you there though. Standing there with that smug look upon your face. Content to watch as I pull myself closer towards eventual demise. Or will it be redemption? Stop thinking in absolutes; maybe it is both!

Maybe I'm not even circling... just standing in the middle of an empty field with my pants draped around my ankles. Staring up at the sky and all around hoping to see a glimmer of you there. Straining my eyes to see you standing on the horizon coming towards me, instead of away. Perhaps it's time to look for other options and hope for neither.

Scrutinize me if you will, I feel it would be justified. This entire ordeal has felt like a drop kick to my genitals from beginning to end. It's been a sickening experience to say the least. God, how I love it though. Everywhere I look I can see a memory or two. Through a booze stained vision I remember laughing there and crying here, making love under that, or yelling on top of this. The memories make me feel worse.

I can't change it though, I suppose. I tried to change it, that was rather foolish of me when you think of it. It has happened, and all we have left is today. No matter what happens all that really matters is this; here and now.

It still hurts though, but I'm beginning to think that is one of the most beautiful parts of life.

Tear down the Relic
Forget the ancient ways
A new age has come

Over the past few months I've began to realize that life is simply a series of unplanned events that happen with or without our cooperation. We are drifting helplessly through the endless void in the cosmos, doing what we can to fill the emptiness with some sense of meaningful purpose. When it comes down to it though, we have no purpose because we have no real control. All we can do is try to change the way we look at things. Change the way we interpret the information and occurences that are laid out before us in the random, chaotic manner that they are.

It can often give one a complete sense of bewilderment to step back and take a look at life as a whole. What makes us any different from those who have come before us, and those who will come after? When it comes down to it we are all composed of the same materials, and we will all eventually suffer the same dismal fate. We shall one day perish and become the helpless food of worms.

Now some would argue that there are people who do make a difference, and that things can change! Those people are perfectly correct. Things can change, and you can make a difference! But to what end? To what purpose does taking the higher road in life truly serve? A deeper satisfaction in knowing that you have done what the world has deemed "right"? Well I say fuck what's right and whats wrong, and fuck the man made dogmatic law that deems which acts are good and which are evil. If there truly is a God, let him be the one to judge us!

Many great people have lived and died and have done fuck all to change the world in the slightest bit. People live and people die. There is always hate, just as much as there will always be love. I am sick and tired of the bleeding hearts across the world trying to band together for some greater good that we can never conceivably acheive. People have been trying for centuries to bring about peace and they haven't taken a step closer to what they feel is such a perfect world!

There needs to be a balance, there cannot be love without hate, bliss without pain, happiness without rage. They depend upon one another and without one, the other would surely fall. If there was nothing but rainbows and joy around the world then what would we have to compare those feelings to? If a person has never suffered through pain, loss and regret then how can they ever understand the joyous song of laughter? If we don't experience the "bad things" in life then the good could never feel special. We would become numb to the perfection that we seem so desperate to achieve and simply create a new evil to idolize.

So forget what the Church and the media have told you is right and wrong. Forget the pre-conceived notions of perfection that have absolutely no basis within reality. Live life to the fullest extent that you possibly can, in the manner which you feel is absolutely perfect for you. Don't let some person you've never met tell you how you should and should not feel. Do not let some cult control the way you think about life and death. If there truly is a God then I am sure he would forgive any who had the courage to live life to the fullest degree which they could possibly imagine. I know that I would rather burn in the worst hell, rather than live in a kingdom of happiness built upon the guilt-ridden lives of an oppressed people.





{As a Post Script, I haven't slept in a day or two, so if this fails to follow any discernable thought pattern I apologize, this is simply what came out after a long time without writing.}