10,000 feet is a long way up... but I kept my cool 

Born To Be Wild! 

The Random Bus Adventures... missed but not forgotten 

10,000 feet is a long way to fall 

Empty hallways 

What's it to ya? 

You are a strange, strange person 

Whatcha lookin' at 

BBQ @ Heathers... Singing in the rain 

Dark Goal posts 

Foggy Goal posts 

King of Fools

I once was a King!

A King among men!

The whole World was mine,

I'd conquered it all.

Chambers of Sapphire,

Throne rooms of Gold.

Glass' of crystal,

Cutlery of the finest silver!

Legions upon Legions

To do me my will.

The very stars

were at my fingertips.

When I reached for embrace

I found naught but

the wind in my grasp.

The finest treasures,

Grand Estates;

Ruled by the man

with an empty heart.

Void

of any sense of love.

I'd found all of the answers

to all of life's riddles.

It seemed to me then

I would not need love.

A heart made of coal,

To rule all the World.

I defeated all enemies,

Vanquished all foes.

As I traveled afar

To see what I would see

I tread where Angels

Would often not go!

But how foolish was I,

This King of cold-hearts?

To think I needed not love

Within my riches

of Silver,

of Gold.

A half-wit indeed.

I once was a fool!

A fool among men...

I've seen a thousand faces

Faked a thousand smiles

I've been around the world and back

Yet your face still haunts my dreams

The winds have whispered in my ear

They have told me a tale of sorrow

I've let the ground guide my feet

To take me places where angels would not dare

I now stand here alone

Among a crowd so full

My name has been forgotten

By those who said they knew

The tears I cried have been ignored

By those who said they care

My world has been turned upside down

The lies are blown askew

(Written roughly 2 years ago, slightly updated but not too much)

It's hard to come to the realization that one truly does not know anything when it really comes down to it. To understand, that in comparsion to the whole existance of man I am merely a speck of dust, is not an easy thing to do. It seems as though my life is entirely inconsequential. I am not saying this with any ties to pessimism, nor optimism. I suppose I am merely speaking on the premise of realism. I have absolutely no control over the world around me, and there is nothing I can do to change what happens on a global level. The world is based on fallacy. That is what we as humans run on. When there is a problem, we do what we can to fix it. However, it seems that everytime we fix one problem we create six more. In a sense we are parasites that are unaware of the havoc we have wrought upon the world. We create the very problems that we try so whole-heartedly to destroy. Even if I were to spend my whole life doing everything I could to "save the world" it wouldn't make a difference 100 years from now. I could make a fraction of the lives that are lived in pain and misery slightly less terrible, but the rest would still go on as they always have. The world we have created is based on the existance of a lower class. If the world were a perfect place what in god's name could possibly happen? Nothing! Take a serious look on how you live your life, and how the world around you works. If you honestly believe that it would work with the total peace that we strive for, please explain to me how.

My Sunrise

The Black night folds about me,
Enveloping the confines of my soul,
Binding my heart to the shadows.

In the silence, there is nothing,
Nothing but the sound of a heartbeat,
The solitude killing my insides.

But as I look upon the Heavens,
I see a glint of hope,
As my darkness begins to fade.

The shadows fall to a royal blue,
The darkness writhing from my mind,
As the skies are born again.

A sudden shot of scarlet,
Forged within obscurity,
Clears the lurid minds.

A gentle wind brings whispers,
And slides among the leaves,
A murmur of better days.

Angelic songs pierce the cold,
As the birds begin to wake,
The Guardians of dawn.

The sun's bright rays creep,
Upon my body laying in the filth,
Embracing what's left of misery.

Grasping hold to all I've ever known,

All I've ever known to hate,
As it is torn like my broken heart.

With the single blink of an eye,
What was dark, now is light,
Nothing what it was before.

And as you look upon me now,
You will see this rapid change,

The man I was, is not the man I am.

Behold, My Sunrise

(I wrote this roughly two years ago)

A Picture

I found a picture of you the other day. Folded away amongst forgotten memories, I looked down at you and to my surprise you were smiling. Your gaze didn't look to the camera, you didn't care that it was there. You were looking away and to the side, and you were smiling. You laughed that day. I looked at this picture and I wondered what it was. Now it seems so foreign. I remember when it was taken; I remember why you were smiling. I know that look you had in your eyes. It was for me. We were together and you were smiling. In that moment we were happy. A truly, undeniable, bottomless sense of irreplaceable joy surrounds this single memory. I would give up anything and everything for that moment one more time. The look in your eyes, the laugh on your lips, the love in your voice... I lost sight of that. I lost sight of just how amazing you are. In a moment I was torn from nothing to everything. I was and am filled with every possible emotion that my body and mind can handle. My heart beats to the point of bursting as I hold this forgotten image in my hand. The time is past, and that memory is simply that, a memory. I will always love you.

Moving backwards through space and time we can find ourselves making the same mistakes again and again. People don't change, only the circumstances in which ones personality can be expressed are altered. While we can learn to tone down, or over-emphasize certain aspects of our personality, that piece of who we are will always remain a part of us. We as humans represent a large, constantly moving and changing puzzle. The pieces always represent the same parts of who we are; only sometimes these pieces don't fit. So we change their size, we alter the shape around the edges so that they can fit in with the other pieces. Eventually the puzzle breaks and we are left scrambling to pick up the pieces. There are constant new pieces coming, and old pieces leaving. This causes an ever existing cyclical rotation of our pieces. It's true what people say, about how you can never change a person. You can't. One of two things can happen. Either you learn to live with what you consider to be a fallibility that they have or if the person cares about you they can trim the edges of their puzzle piece, change its size. The hardest part for me so far has been the realization that sometimes the pieces will never fit.

This evening I had a rather horrible experience with a somewhat vivacious yoga ball. My back has gone entirely out of the norm for me, and I have been experiencing quite a bit of pain. I decided that, instead of cracking it as I usually would, I'd stretch it by rolling over the pretty yoga ball backwards. Little did I know what grave danger I had put myself in. As I slid down on the ball, I slowly rolled myself backwards, watching the room roll past me. My foot slipped and I lost control. I slid quickly along the not so safe side of the ball, attempted to catch my balance, and then tumbled magnificently into the low laying window sill. Needless to say my tailbone is not in the greatest of shape at this point in time. I could have sprawled out upon the floor and thrashed out at this unknowing ball, or I could have gotten up and tried my best to shake it off. Too my own surprise I chose the latter.
Now I realize that this post does not neccesarily fit into my regular style of writing, however I did find within this moment of time a very profound lesson.
Life is not predictable. It cannot be pretold, nor given heed to through prophecy. I fell on my ass to realize just how truly frail we humans are. The slightest jarring of regularity can cause the greatest of discomfort and abnormality. Now this instance of seeming hilarity can be viewed with a good sense of humour, or it can be viewed in a seemingly more philisophical manner. Take my experience and place it on the larger scale of life. Sometimes we are thrown a curve ball that we never saw coming. It can blow us away and leave us shaking our heads in wonder. Do we let ourselves lay in the dust, or do we get up and wipe ourselves off? Do we sit around and point the finger of blame, or do we get up and realize that "Shit happens". I personally have learned to respect the yoga ball, instead of disbanding it across the length of six football fields. I realize that I am not a coordinated master of the "ball" arts, and that I should take heed when next I should attempt to demonstrate my skills or lack thereof upon the ball.
Basically, don't dwell on the things that don't make a difference. Realize that life is short, and the only way to truly live it is to learn from what you have experienced. Feel what you are meant to feel, but do not take it any further than that. Live and let live as I believe the saying goes.

An empty piece of paper is laying out before me. I don't know what to write. I have no words to say. There is nothing in this vocabulary, nothing in this language that can express what I am feeling. I stare down at the empty spaces between the lines and imagine what to place in between. What can I say that will come to any importance, now or in the future. Am I dead? Am I alive? Is this what life is meant to be? Happiness or misery; A thin line seperates the two. Hopelessly reaching for something out of my reach. Helplessly searching in shadows that are not my own. Breaking down at every turn, on the edge of insanity. I cry out in silence, and nobody listens. I feel as though I'm covering their ears. I want to be noticed but I won't let anyone hear me. I strive to have that connection, that relationship where nothing matters only the fact that you are there. Yet I am pushing anyone and everything away. How can I tell you my thoughts when I don't know myself? Lost and confused I see the wrong things, I remember the wrong moments. I can no longer cry. I want to. I want to remember, I want to feel this. I want to go through the pain that I so rightfully deserve.

-------------

Staring down at this empty piece of paper, I lift my pen up to the line. Inefficacious is the only word that comes to mind.

Sinking into the abyss
Searching in the shadows
Voices turn on me
Pain inside grows

Forget the things you know
Feel the ones you don't

Twist the knife

Turn the hook

Force yourself to look

Gaze into the eyes of a demon

Refuse to let go

It's not there to hold

Falling through blackness

I turn to see myself

I am everything

I am nothing

I may not be old, but I am old enough to know a few things. I've grown to realize that the older we get, the harder things seem to be. Unexpected complications are added to the once simple equation. I don't remember my first steps, but I can imagine that when I took them I must have felt like the world was now mine. I had conquered that which had never been conquered before. I had become mobile. The smallest thing which I now take for granted was the most spectacular discovery of the time. The world was mine. Or so it seemed. As I crept up the ladder of time, new areas of life opened for exploration. Speech, for instance, seems to be the gift that I choose to take advantage of on a regular basis. Thought... I think, therefore I am. The little steps that slowly build up to create the person I will one day become. Every minute a child takes its first steps somewhere in the world. Breathes its first breath, speaks its first word. It was all so calm and simple then. Life had a true and certain meaning. An uninhibited freedom in which one could choose to express ones self in whatever way the young mind might grasp.
I watched as a young boy stumbled about a coffee shop yesterday. His steps were cautious and calculated. He was performing a daring feat of stupendous courage as he braved the great expanse of open floor. It didn't matter if he fell. He got right back up and he kept going. As I sat there watching this toddlers strange step, I realized just how much I missed it. Childhood. The lack of understanding, and the curiosity to know for yourself what was behind it all. Listening to his careless laugh I knew how much life would change for him one day. Some day he might go to school, he might learn a thing or two. He could meet friends and lose friends. He may fall in love, and be loved. Die of a broken heart, only to live again to break one himself. That child had a full life of mystery laying out on the road ahead of him and there is no way that I could possibly know what it would bring him. In that moment I realized just how alone I truly was. We all drift through life, never knowing for certain what might come and go. We gain whatever knowledge we choose to, and hold on to what we believe is important. I suppose the scary part of growing up, is realizing that 1+1 does not neccesarily equal 2.

I think, therefore I am 

Me after a night of no sleep 

My heart beat rapidly against my chest as I strained to draw breath into my scarred lungs. I fell rapidly through the heavens, plummeting to my doom. A moment it was there, the next it is gone. What held me up has pushed me down. Spinning out of control I reached for the door. I grasped out with all of my strength, but the evening is unforgiving. The night swallowed me whole as I cried out in despair.

I feel my heart beat rapidly against my chest as I strain to draw the cool air into my decrepit lungs. I've lost sight of who I am. I've lost control of what was me. At the bottom of a well, I float submerged in misery. Dripping in defeat. I am gone. My mind is lost my soul is broken. I am finished. Clawing at the stone I reach for the skies.

My heart will soon beat rapidly as my mind will lose its grip, I'll fight for air as I slip away forever. Drifing in the darkness, alone with my thoughts. I will be forgotten. My heart stops beating, my lungs forget to breathe. I am forgotten.

Searching my soul to remember my name.

Grasping the winds to hold on to my face.

Burning inside for what I've become.

Forgotten in lost memories.

Trying not to try.

Laughing not to cry.

Smiling not to frown.

Begging to be happy.

Longing for release.

Wishing for the past.

Gasping for air.

Lost in the darkness.

All the wrong things...

For all the right reasons...

Falling down from heaven, they plummet to the ground.

Scorched wings, burning souls, forgotten children.

They are the few, they are the wicked.

Daring to stand, Willing to fight.

A Father with conditional love.

A love that is longed for.

Desire.

Pride.

Guilt.

Death.

Hell.

Eternity in torment.

Silent screams echoing through emptiness.

They are the few.

They are the wicked.

They are the forgotten.

Fall through the shadows and dance in the darkness.

Caress midnights soft skin, crashing into silence.

Lost in eternal chaos, fighting to survive.

Inefficacious is my name, useless inside to out.

Bleed from the heart.

Burn from the soul.

Losing sanity.

Lost control.

Look in the mirror, break what you see.

Forgetting myself, Forgotten me.

What I was then.

Who I am now.

Battle inside.

Losing control.

Lost sanity.

What am I now?

Who was I then?

Drape it over.

Sew it shut.

Seal it with a smile.

Contemplating something or another 

Large orbs of water plummeted swiftly through the air, the ground rising up to meet them at a head spinning pace. Their comrades hung precariously within the clouds, waiting until the moment in which they might join their fellow globes of hydrogen dioxide. Crashing violently into the newly moistened soil the rain drops split open, flying every which way. The grass and trees alike bowed beneath the weight of the water, paying homage to their esteemed master. A grim apprehension settled in as the murky legions seized hold of the last claim of blue sky. The thunder clapped ominously, shaking the very essence of my soul. I stood watching forks of lightning encase the horizon, lashing out ferociously at one another. The battle raged, as they clasped onto one another, the thunderous roars of the heavens cheering them forward. As swiftly as one had struck, the other was gone. I watched, enthralled by the magnificence and power behind the very nature in which we try to live. The strength of the God's had placed me in a trance, yet the slightest sphere of water sliding slowly down the length of my face snapped me back into reality. My body stood erect amongst the tall, bending grass. I swayed cautiously with the wind feeling it pull at the edges of my clothes, churning the leaves at my feet. The darkness billowed above me, seething in the witch's pot. The power of the absolute stirred up my insides, a knot of barbed wire rolled in my stomach. All sense of comprehension had long since been dismissed from my mind. I did not understand the way I felt, nor why the thoughts hurt me so. The only thing I knew in that moment was hate. An extreme hate for everything that lay before me and about me. I watched the simplistic beauty of the destruction that the almighty could so easily bestow upon the world, acting on a whim. I listened to the silence that filtered through the air as the storm drew to a close. The all-knowing omnipotent master, the divine creator and controller of our fates sat happily in his throne amongst the turning clouds. Was what lay beneath him a source of cruel joy? A God indeed. The world falls apart at every single turn, the days fade to nights and we become nothing. He still has time for the wind that carried a simple maple leaf across the plains. As I lost all control, I roared up to the heavens. My voice grumbling up, I bellowed forth all of the hatred I held inside. I cried out with all of my might, so that the Holy Spirit might know the malignity I bore for him. My voice cracked, my body folding to the wet earth. He did not hear me, and my voice would fade out like all the others. I would not echo through eternity. I am nothing in the eyes of my father.

Tip-toe through eternity,

Dancing in the shadows.

Grasp for what I used to be,

Searching for a nothing.

~

Pulling at my hair,

Deprived of freedom.

Locked within your stare

I've lost my sanity.

~

Falling through the darkness,

Trapped in a masquerade.

The bleeding hearts confess,

Things they didn't know.

~

Crawling through misery,

Cry up to the heavens.

Finding the one I used to be,

Look into my nothing.

~

Rays of warmth filter across my tranquil facade. I run my tongue across the edges of my partially opened lips, tasting the humid air on its way to my lungs. My body lays helplessly in your arms, as I float through time. Your soft fingers curve about my scalp, curling my hair slowly in a majestic waltz. I am happy. I can feel myself losing past inhibitions, nothing seems to matter anymore. Only you, and the way you are looking at me right now. Laying amongst the tall grass, the world stops beneath us. Time stands still as we lay engulfed within the cosmos, enveloped in one anothers arms. Dusk stands still, laying on the horizon with its crimson arms stretching across the heavens in an attempt to embrace the darkness of night. My heart aches at the thought of this primordial pursuit. Captivated by one another, in a constant chase through the heavens. Near enough to taste the trail, but never close enough to touch. The darkness and the light, sun and the moon, day and night. Forever in love, and forever alone. A perplexing thought, an astonishing image that seems unfamiliar. Feeling your chest rise and fall, your heartbeat pounding against my chest, your life flowing with mine, I understand. I glimpse into the heavens, and watch as you fade into the distance. I rise to the sky and follow after. Love pushes me, Love pulls me. Forever and always searching for you. Waiting for the world to stop, so I can lay in your grasp once more.

It was a slightly overcast night in July. The air was thin, and surprisingly cold for this time of year. I was sitting on the embankment of the river, the chilling wind blowing crisply across my worn face. I felt the weather cool every fiber of my being, down to the very bone. Something was amiss, the seasons didn't want to fit. I watched as the water curled below me, like ink pouring magically from an over used pen. Driftwood floated past me, bending with the current of the river as it meandered about a slowly curving bend. The moon rose slowly amongst the ominous clouds creeping about on the horizon. The scarlet light of the summer moon bled across the sky, painting my face a fierce colour. Closing my eyes, I felt the gentle beams of light play across the world sprawled out before me. I saw the night transform itself into a day of its own, bringing each slight detail to life in its own priceless way. An image of omnipotent majesty. Opening my eyelids slowly, I gazed upon the never ending space that lay above and about me. I smiled to myself as the stars slowly pricked through the dark fabric of the evening, scattering themselves scarcely about the heavens. The very eyes of whichever Gods should choose to abide therein. I couldn't help but allow my mind the freedom of wandering, as I pondered the possibilities of what higher power might lay just out of our reach. What great image might I be a mere paint stroke within? Are we all but martyrs, waiting for the day on which we must die? Forging through the timeless expanse of eternity, hoping we might stumble upon the truth behind it all. Do we constantly search in vain for that one moment, that one space in the everlastingness, our own piece of immortality in which we might find true passion? Looking down upon the river, feeling it flow through me like the blood coursing through my veins, I knew that I was not meant to know. A suffering burned inside of me, as I felt the eyes of whatever it is that lays beyond stare down. I stretched myself out across the grassy knoll beneath me and let myself drift away. I shall simply have to wait it out, play my cards, and see what happens when I cash in my chips.

Young Love

Young Love

The fragrance of fresh bloomed beauty,

The feelings held tight for an eternity.

The purest form of fulfillment,

When reality becomes obsolete.

The unforgettable taste of their skin.

The irreplaceable sensation of their lips to yours.

And only the God's looked on,

As you stole each others hearts so gently.

So innocent. So genuine. So unknowing.

None the wiser of what would come.

Never daring to imagine the day,

When young love would break their fragile hearts.

Yet, even after, would they trade the time together

to never know the aching sorrows of being apart?

Would they forget the happiness in each others arms,

if it would mend their broken-hearts?

Not for all the World...

And this is the great calamity that is

Young Love

This evening, I laid in the grass watching as the clouds meandered helplessly across the sky within the ever present grasp of the gently blowing wind. I gazed through the heavens, as minute vampires danced unabashedly through the twisting currents of hot air pockets. Golden rays of sunlight burst across the horizon, pressing towards distances unknown as they lit up a staggered assortment of cedars. My eyes shifted slightly as my ears tuned into a mellow song, serenading me softly from above. A young sparrow slid through the blue, basking in the quiescence of the escaping dusk. Turning over swiflty in the sky, the white underbelly was splashed with honey, shining incandescantly against the fading navy of the approaching twilight. As quickly as it had began, it was over. Flapping feverishly, with unmatched rhythm, the young aviator shot through the air for the treeline. A smile dawned upon my face as the glimmering sphere of daylight drifted cozily into the anxiously waiting night. Royal blues shift into an obscure darkness, broken only by pin pricks in gods never ending canvas. Lights from another time glimmer faintly in the orbs of my unknowing eyes as I stare off into the vast expanse of an existence I will never understand. Void of all thoughts, I dare not tempt the unknown, I cannot reach for the knowledge that is not mine to have. I merely lay in a paralysis of modesty as I am humbled by the simplicity of my life and who I am. I know what it means to be happy.