My mind is racing. I am staring back at the past unwillingly and hoping to hell that I can stop myself before I start the dive; the rapid decent into the vast, dark, unknown caverns of my heart and soul. It's an ongoing battle. There is a peculiar little demon inside of me, clawing it's way to the surface of my skin.

I don't see this as going much of anywhere; nowhere that I haven't been before at least. Like a dog attached to a pole, running in tighter circles until I have no choice but to face the very thing around which I am circling. I feel there's too much slack at this point to tell for certain what I'm about to bash my head up against.

I have a feeling I'll see you there though. Standing there with that smug look upon your face. Content to watch as I pull myself closer towards eventual demise. Or will it be redemption? Stop thinking in absolutes; maybe it is both!

Maybe I'm not even circling... just standing in the middle of an empty field with my pants draped around my ankles. Staring up at the sky and all around hoping to see a glimmer of you there. Straining my eyes to see you standing on the horizon coming towards me, instead of away. Perhaps it's time to look for other options and hope for neither.

Scrutinize me if you will, I feel it would be justified. This entire ordeal has felt like a drop kick to my genitals from beginning to end. It's been a sickening experience to say the least. God, how I love it though. Everywhere I look I can see a memory or two. Through a booze stained vision I remember laughing there and crying here, making love under that, or yelling on top of this. The memories make me feel worse.

I can't change it though, I suppose. I tried to change it, that was rather foolish of me when you think of it. It has happened, and all we have left is today. No matter what happens all that really matters is this; here and now.

It still hurts though, but I'm beginning to think that is one of the most beautiful parts of life.