My mind is racing. I am staring back at the past unwillingly and hoping to hell that I can stop myself before I start the dive; the rapid decent into the vast, dark, unknown caverns of my heart and soul. It's an ongoing battle. There is a peculiar little demon inside of me, clawing it's way to the surface of my skin.

I don't see this as going much of anywhere; nowhere that I haven't been before at least. Like a dog attached to a pole, running in tighter circles until I have no choice but to face the very thing around which I am circling. I feel there's too much slack at this point to tell for certain what I'm about to bash my head up against.

I have a feeling I'll see you there though. Standing there with that smug look upon your face. Content to watch as I pull myself closer towards eventual demise. Or will it be redemption? Stop thinking in absolutes; maybe it is both!

Maybe I'm not even circling... just standing in the middle of an empty field with my pants draped around my ankles. Staring up at the sky and all around hoping to see a glimmer of you there. Straining my eyes to see you standing on the horizon coming towards me, instead of away. Perhaps it's time to look for other options and hope for neither.

Scrutinize me if you will, I feel it would be justified. This entire ordeal has felt like a drop kick to my genitals from beginning to end. It's been a sickening experience to say the least. God, how I love it though. Everywhere I look I can see a memory or two. Through a booze stained vision I remember laughing there and crying here, making love under that, or yelling on top of this. The memories make me feel worse.

I can't change it though, I suppose. I tried to change it, that was rather foolish of me when you think of it. It has happened, and all we have left is today. No matter what happens all that really matters is this; here and now.

It still hurts though, but I'm beginning to think that is one of the most beautiful parts of life.

Tear down the Relic
Forget the ancient ways
A new age has come

Over the past few months I've began to realize that life is simply a series of unplanned events that happen with or without our cooperation. We are drifting helplessly through the endless void in the cosmos, doing what we can to fill the emptiness with some sense of meaningful purpose. When it comes down to it though, we have no purpose because we have no real control. All we can do is try to change the way we look at things. Change the way we interpret the information and occurences that are laid out before us in the random, chaotic manner that they are.

It can often give one a complete sense of bewilderment to step back and take a look at life as a whole. What makes us any different from those who have come before us, and those who will come after? When it comes down to it we are all composed of the same materials, and we will all eventually suffer the same dismal fate. We shall one day perish and become the helpless food of worms.

Now some would argue that there are people who do make a difference, and that things can change! Those people are perfectly correct. Things can change, and you can make a difference! But to what end? To what purpose does taking the higher road in life truly serve? A deeper satisfaction in knowing that you have done what the world has deemed "right"? Well I say fuck what's right and whats wrong, and fuck the man made dogmatic law that deems which acts are good and which are evil. If there truly is a God, let him be the one to judge us!

Many great people have lived and died and have done fuck all to change the world in the slightest bit. People live and people die. There is always hate, just as much as there will always be love. I am sick and tired of the bleeding hearts across the world trying to band together for some greater good that we can never conceivably acheive. People have been trying for centuries to bring about peace and they haven't taken a step closer to what they feel is such a perfect world!

There needs to be a balance, there cannot be love without hate, bliss without pain, happiness without rage. They depend upon one another and without one, the other would surely fall. If there was nothing but rainbows and joy around the world then what would we have to compare those feelings to? If a person has never suffered through pain, loss and regret then how can they ever understand the joyous song of laughter? If we don't experience the "bad things" in life then the good could never feel special. We would become numb to the perfection that we seem so desperate to achieve and simply create a new evil to idolize.

So forget what the Church and the media have told you is right and wrong. Forget the pre-conceived notions of perfection that have absolutely no basis within reality. Live life to the fullest extent that you possibly can, in the manner which you feel is absolutely perfect for you. Don't let some person you've never met tell you how you should and should not feel. Do not let some cult control the way you think about life and death. If there truly is a God then I am sure he would forgive any who had the courage to live life to the fullest degree which they could possibly imagine. I know that I would rather burn in the worst hell, rather than live in a kingdom of happiness built upon the guilt-ridden lives of an oppressed people.





{As a Post Script, I haven't slept in a day or two, so if this fails to follow any discernable thought pattern I apologize, this is simply what came out after a long time without writing.}

10,000 feet is a long way up... but I kept my cool 

Born To Be Wild! 

The Random Bus Adventures... missed but not forgotten 

10,000 feet is a long way to fall 

Empty hallways 

What's it to ya? 

You are a strange, strange person 

Whatcha lookin' at 

BBQ @ Heathers... Singing in the rain 

Dark Goal posts 

Foggy Goal posts 

King of Fools

I once was a King!

A King among men!

The whole World was mine,

I'd conquered it all.

Chambers of Sapphire,

Throne rooms of Gold.

Glass' of crystal,

Cutlery of the finest silver!

Legions upon Legions

To do me my will.

The very stars

were at my fingertips.

When I reached for embrace

I found naught but

the wind in my grasp.

The finest treasures,

Grand Estates;

Ruled by the man

with an empty heart.

Void

of any sense of love.

I'd found all of the answers

to all of life's riddles.

It seemed to me then

I would not need love.

A heart made of coal,

To rule all the World.

I defeated all enemies,

Vanquished all foes.

As I traveled afar

To see what I would see

I tread where Angels

Would often not go!

But how foolish was I,

This King of cold-hearts?

To think I needed not love

Within my riches

of Silver,

of Gold.

A half-wit indeed.

I once was a fool!

A fool among men...

I've seen a thousand faces

Faked a thousand smiles

I've been around the world and back

Yet your face still haunts my dreams

The winds have whispered in my ear

They have told me a tale of sorrow

I've let the ground guide my feet

To take me places where angels would not dare

I now stand here alone

Among a crowd so full

My name has been forgotten

By those who said they knew

The tears I cried have been ignored

By those who said they care

My world has been turned upside down

The lies are blown askew

(Written roughly 2 years ago, slightly updated but not too much)

It's hard to come to the realization that one truly does not know anything when it really comes down to it. To understand, that in comparsion to the whole existance of man I am merely a speck of dust, is not an easy thing to do. It seems as though my life is entirely inconsequential. I am not saying this with any ties to pessimism, nor optimism. I suppose I am merely speaking on the premise of realism. I have absolutely no control over the world around me, and there is nothing I can do to change what happens on a global level. The world is based on fallacy. That is what we as humans run on. When there is a problem, we do what we can to fix it. However, it seems that everytime we fix one problem we create six more. In a sense we are parasites that are unaware of the havoc we have wrought upon the world. We create the very problems that we try so whole-heartedly to destroy. Even if I were to spend my whole life doing everything I could to "save the world" it wouldn't make a difference 100 years from now. I could make a fraction of the lives that are lived in pain and misery slightly less terrible, but the rest would still go on as they always have. The world we have created is based on the existance of a lower class. If the world were a perfect place what in god's name could possibly happen? Nothing! Take a serious look on how you live your life, and how the world around you works. If you honestly believe that it would work with the total peace that we strive for, please explain to me how.

My Sunrise

The Black night folds about me,
Enveloping the confines of my soul,
Binding my heart to the shadows.

In the silence, there is nothing,
Nothing but the sound of a heartbeat,
The solitude killing my insides.

But as I look upon the Heavens,
I see a glint of hope,
As my darkness begins to fade.

The shadows fall to a royal blue,
The darkness writhing from my mind,
As the skies are born again.

A sudden shot of scarlet,
Forged within obscurity,
Clears the lurid minds.

A gentle wind brings whispers,
And slides among the leaves,
A murmur of better days.

Angelic songs pierce the cold,
As the birds begin to wake,
The Guardians of dawn.

The sun's bright rays creep,
Upon my body laying in the filth,
Embracing what's left of misery.

Grasping hold to all I've ever known,

All I've ever known to hate,
As it is torn like my broken heart.

With the single blink of an eye,
What was dark, now is light,
Nothing what it was before.

And as you look upon me now,
You will see this rapid change,

The man I was, is not the man I am.

Behold, My Sunrise

(I wrote this roughly two years ago)

A Picture

I found a picture of you the other day. Folded away amongst forgotten memories, I looked down at you and to my surprise you were smiling. Your gaze didn't look to the camera, you didn't care that it was there. You were looking away and to the side, and you were smiling. You laughed that day. I looked at this picture and I wondered what it was. Now it seems so foreign. I remember when it was taken; I remember why you were smiling. I know that look you had in your eyes. It was for me. We were together and you were smiling. In that moment we were happy. A truly, undeniable, bottomless sense of irreplaceable joy surrounds this single memory. I would give up anything and everything for that moment one more time. The look in your eyes, the laugh on your lips, the love in your voice... I lost sight of that. I lost sight of just how amazing you are. In a moment I was torn from nothing to everything. I was and am filled with every possible emotion that my body and mind can handle. My heart beats to the point of bursting as I hold this forgotten image in my hand. The time is past, and that memory is simply that, a memory. I will always love you.

Moving backwards through space and time we can find ourselves making the same mistakes again and again. People don't change, only the circumstances in which ones personality can be expressed are altered. While we can learn to tone down, or over-emphasize certain aspects of our personality, that piece of who we are will always remain a part of us. We as humans represent a large, constantly moving and changing puzzle. The pieces always represent the same parts of who we are; only sometimes these pieces don't fit. So we change their size, we alter the shape around the edges so that they can fit in with the other pieces. Eventually the puzzle breaks and we are left scrambling to pick up the pieces. There are constant new pieces coming, and old pieces leaving. This causes an ever existing cyclical rotation of our pieces. It's true what people say, about how you can never change a person. You can't. One of two things can happen. Either you learn to live with what you consider to be a fallibility that they have or if the person cares about you they can trim the edges of their puzzle piece, change its size. The hardest part for me so far has been the realization that sometimes the pieces will never fit.